Issue 39
Issue 39
Issue 39
Issue 39
A very public mental breakdown
A very public mental breakdown
A very public mental breakdown
A very public mental breakdown
2 Oct 2024
2 Oct 2024
2 Oct 2024
2 Oct 2024
3 mins
3 mins
3 mins
3 mins
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Jan 2, 2023 was my last day at my job. I was an early employee at a startup. I quit because I ran out of energy and purpose. Since I was 13, paying off my family’s debt and helping my family be financially independent felt like what I needed to do with my life. When my brothers and I managed to do it by 2022, I felt strangely purposeless. Very few things made sense for me to spend my time doing.
When I first quit, I decided to take a year off. I wanted to do nothing of value for a bit. I tried to get my energy back, I wanted to get healthy. I woke up every day and decided what to do with my time. I got obsessed with travelling for a few months, got obsessed with pottery for a few months, got obsessed with my dog for a few months, and watched a lot of TV and reels for a few months. And then September 2023 came around. Well-meaning friends started asking me what I was doing with my life, worried I was not living out my potential.
I decided to write to a few people and have some conversations, hoping that they would tell me what I needed to do. One piece of advice stuck with me. ‘Most of us create imaginary hurdles in our minds. If we work at Google, Apple or some large company, we will finally have everything we need and then do what we always wanted to do. You won’t. Do what you want to do in the long term now. And if you don’t know what that is, find out.’ At dinner parties, ‘I work at X’ is a small conversation. ‘I don’t know what I want to do and I am taking my time working on a few experiments which hopefully can turn into something viable’ sounds deranged or privileged.
Jan 2, 2023 was my last day at my job. I was an early employee at a startup. I quit because I ran out of energy and purpose. Since I was 13, paying off my family’s debt and helping my family be financially independent felt like what I needed to do with my life. When my brothers and I managed to do it by 2022, I felt strangely purposeless. Very few things made sense for me to spend my time doing.
When I first quit, I decided to take a year off. I wanted to do nothing of value for a bit. I tried to get my energy back, I wanted to get healthy. I woke up every day and decided what to do with my time. I got obsessed with travelling for a few months, got obsessed with pottery for a few months, got obsessed with my dog for a few months, and watched a lot of TV and reels for a few months. And then September 2023 came around. Well-meaning friends started asking me what I was doing with my life, worried I was not living out my potential.
I decided to write to a few people and have some conversations, hoping that they would tell me what I needed to do. One piece of advice stuck with me. ‘Most of us create imaginary hurdles in our minds. If we work at Google, Apple or some large company, we will finally have everything we need and then do what we always wanted to do. You won’t. Do what you want to do in the long term now. And if you don’t know what that is, find out.’ At dinner parties, ‘I work at X’ is a small conversation. ‘I don’t know what I want to do and I am taking my time working on a few experiments which hopefully can turn into something viable’ sounds deranged or privileged.
Jan 2, 2023 was my last day at my job. I was an early employee at a startup. I quit because I ran out of energy and purpose. Since I was 13, paying off my family’s debt and helping my family be financially independent felt like what I needed to do with my life. When my brothers and I managed to do it by 2022, I felt strangely purposeless. Very few things made sense for me to spend my time doing.
When I first quit, I decided to take a year off. I wanted to do nothing of value for a bit. I tried to get my energy back, I wanted to get healthy. I woke up every day and decided what to do with my time. I got obsessed with travelling for a few months, got obsessed with pottery for a few months, got obsessed with my dog for a few months, and watched a lot of TV and reels for a few months. And then September 2023 came around. Well-meaning friends started asking me what I was doing with my life, worried I was not living out my potential.
I decided to write to a few people and have some conversations, hoping that they would tell me what I needed to do. One piece of advice stuck with me. ‘Most of us create imaginary hurdles in our minds. If we work at Google, Apple or some large company, we will finally have everything we need and then do what we always wanted to do. You won’t. Do what you want to do in the long term now. And if you don’t know what that is, find out.’ At dinner parties, ‘I work at X’ is a small conversation. ‘I don’t know what I want to do and I am taking my time working on a few experiments which hopefully can turn into something viable’ sounds deranged or privileged.
Funnily, I first set my goal of writing 100 essays to wade me through this uncertainty. I was worried I would have nothing to show for these years of exploration and the only way I felt sane was by telling myself that even if nothing else happened I would have written 100 essays and that amounts to something. Every week, these essays would give me an anchor. Enough to keep my ego afloat. I was shipping something, getting feedback, trying to get better. My essays can be best described as a very public mental breakdown. I am wading through my insecurities with every essay and hoping that the public admittance of it will make me feel better. It is the opposite of LinkedIn, we all collectively admit that I can do better.
For the last few months, I have been failing at publishing my essays every week too. There are many excuses. I sometimes don’t like what I write, it feels too honest or too vague, and sometimes admitting that life is just not going as I would like is not a fun conversation with myself. But I made a commitment and all I need right now is fulfilling it. So on the anniversary of finishing a year of writing these essays, I am even more certain that these essays are saving me, somehow. We will find out.
A friend recently texted, “My plans to get out of this rut were robust but nothing seems to be working out. I have to just get through.” I realised this is how I viewed my life too. I am always in some rut and trying to get out of it. I view the life that I currently live as a stepping stone to a future which is my actual life. In a moment of clarity, I realised that the rut we all keep talking about is our life. This is all life. We are here.
Funnily, I first set my goal of writing 100 essays to wade me through this uncertainty. I was worried I would have nothing to show for these years of exploration and the only way I felt sane was by telling myself that even if nothing else happened I would have written 100 essays and that amounts to something. Every week, these essays would give me an anchor. Enough to keep my ego afloat. I was shipping something, getting feedback, trying to get better. My essays can be best described as a very public mental breakdown. I am wading through my insecurities with every essay and hoping that the public admittance of it will make me feel better. It is the opposite of LinkedIn, we all collectively admit that I can do better.
For the last few months, I have been failing at publishing my essays every week too. There are many excuses. I sometimes don’t like what I write, it feels too honest or too vague, and sometimes admitting that life is just not going as I would like is not a fun conversation with myself. But I made a commitment and all I need right now is fulfilling it. So on the anniversary of finishing a year of writing these essays, I am even more certain that these essays are saving me, somehow. We will find out.
A friend recently texted, “My plans to get out of this rut were robust but nothing seems to be working out. I have to just get through.” I realised this is how I viewed my life too. I am always in some rut and trying to get out of it. I view the life that I currently live as a stepping stone to a future which is my actual life. In a moment of clarity, I realised that the rut we all keep talking about is our life. This is all life. We are here.
Funnily, I first set my goal of writing 100 essays to wade me through this uncertainty. I was worried I would have nothing to show for these years of exploration and the only way I felt sane was by telling myself that even if nothing else happened I would have written 100 essays and that amounts to something. Every week, these essays would give me an anchor. Enough to keep my ego afloat. I was shipping something, getting feedback, trying to get better. My essays can be best described as a very public mental breakdown. I am wading through my insecurities with every essay and hoping that the public admittance of it will make me feel better. It is the opposite of LinkedIn, we all collectively admit that I can do better.
For the last few months, I have been failing at publishing my essays every week too. There are many excuses. I sometimes don’t like what I write, it feels too honest or too vague, and sometimes admitting that life is just not going as I would like is not a fun conversation with myself. But I made a commitment and all I need right now is fulfilling it. So on the anniversary of finishing a year of writing these essays, I am even more certain that these essays are saving me, somehow. We will find out.
A friend recently texted, “My plans to get out of this rut were robust but nothing seems to be working out. I have to just get through.” I realised this is how I viewed my life too. I am always in some rut and trying to get out of it. I view the life that I currently live as a stepping stone to a future which is my actual life. In a moment of clarity, I realised that the rut we all keep talking about is our life. This is all life. We are here.
Funnily, I first set my goal of writing 100 essays to wade me through this uncertainty. I was worried I would have nothing to show for these years of exploration and the only way I felt sane was by telling myself that even if nothing else happened I would have written 100 essays and that amounts to something. Every week, these essays would give me an anchor. Enough to keep my ego afloat. I was shipping something, getting feedback, trying to get better. My essays can be best described as a very public mental breakdown. I am wading through my insecurities with every essay and hoping that the public admittance of it will make me feel better. It is the opposite of LinkedIn, we all collectively admit that I can do better.
For the last few months, I have been failing at publishing my essays every week too. There are many excuses. I sometimes don’t like what I write, it feels too honest or too vague, and sometimes admitting that life is just not going as I would like is not a fun conversation with myself. But I made a commitment and all I need right now is fulfilling it. So on the anniversary of finishing a year of writing these essays, I am even more certain that these essays are saving me, somehow. We will find out.
A friend recently texted, “My plans to get out of this rut were robust but nothing seems to be working out. I have to just get through.” I realised this is how I viewed my life too. I am always in some rut and trying to get out of it. I view the life that I currently live as a stepping stone to a future which is my actual life. In a moment of clarity, I realised that the rut we all keep talking about is our life. This is all life. We are here.
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It will be a reminder to stop scrolling and read something fun.
FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI.
Design/dev by @itsiddharth
Get a mail everytime a post goes up.
It will be a reminder to stop scrolling and read something fun.
FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI.
Design/dev by @itsiddharth
Get a mail everytime a post goes up.
It will be a reminder to stop scrolling and read something fun.
FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI.
Design/dev by @itsiddharth