Everyday after school when my homework was finished, I would accompany my mother to the local market as she finished her chores. I loved walking through the lanes with my mother. Going to new stores, people-watching. Running my fingers over grains and vegetables and asking her what each one was called. My mother and I would talk on these walks and as young girls tend to do I would laugh a lot. One day when I was 12 and laughing, my mother said, “Don’t smile too much when on the streets. Men assume it is for them.” I immediately stopped laughing. I was a little confused then. Eventually, I became aware of being perceived in public all the time. Whenever I looked up, a man was staring. I learnt to walk with my fists closed, my eyes straight and my face in a frown.

I have memories of laughing uncontrollably as a child. Laughing so much that I couldn’t breathe. In these moments, my mother would say, “Don’t laugh so much now or you will have to cry later.” And as the tipsy turvy lives of children go, I would be soon enough. I would have either fought with my brothers or fallen from a stupid ledge. And my mother would repeat the adage. Overtime, I realised joy was something to be suspicious of. It seemed simple but it wasn’t. Joy was full of tricks up its sleeve. In my parents' life, joy was followed by sorrow that stayed for many years. And so the lesson stuck.

My anxiety now funnily begins in the middle of joy. When I am on the top of the world or enjoying life too much, I will start preparing for what’s next. Ready myself for all the ways I can be disappointed. Anxiety about the future keeps me adequately cautious in the present. Sometimes, I will be reading or just staring out of the window in the car and be reminded of how wonderful my life is but I will quickly push the thought out of my mind. If I don’t dwell on joy or feel it, will I be punished? If I don’t say that I am happy, nobody can know right?

I will find my mother’s lessons lurking and sitting in me in many ways. When someone expresses love to me instead of being delighted, I will be annoyed. When someone compliments me, I will assume they are lying and just trying to be nice. When planning for anything, I will always have a long list of things that can go wrong. I will prepare for them. And when things do go wrong, I will find myself comfortable that I already thought of it.