Essay 12
Essay 12
Essay 12
Essay 12
I want to be thin
I want to be thin
I want to be thin
I want to be thin
27 Dec 2023
27 Dec 2023
27 Dec 2023
27 Dec 2023
3 min
3 min
3 min
3 min
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I want to be thin. I am healthy, loved and feel accomplished…but when anything goes wrong, I do wonder if things would be better if I was thinner.
There are things relatives say to you growing up that give you a general view of how the world perceives you. As per them, my adjectives were fair, quiet, smart and big boned. Thankfully, my mother never spoke badly about her own body or how she looked. So for most of my childhood, what my relatives said didn’t bother me.
When I was 13, I once visited my grandmother without my mom, along with my uncle and his family. At dinner, I asked for my third chapati. My grandmother refused to give me any, and told me, in front of everyone, that I should start eating less. I felt embarrassed and lashed out that she didn’t love me. She got upset and started crying. My uncle asked me to apologise and I did. Though the adrenaline had made me fight, I felt alone and ashamed. For eating too much and then fighting over it. I felt fat.
The next morning, my mother called on the landline and my uncle asked me to come speak to her. There was nothing in the world I was scared of more than my mother. When I took the receiver, my mother said, ‘Well done. I am happy you fought. Your grandmother used to do this to me too. She never gave me the good piece of fish or chicken and I didn't fight with her. I am happy that you fought.’ It was okay to ask for food if you needed it, my mother had reaffirmed.
The first memory I have of standing on a weighing scale, I was 14. There was a health check-up at school. I stood on the scale, it read 58 kilos. The nurse noted it down and moved on. And so did I. As I grew up, I was aware my weight was not ideal but it never seemed like the most important thing to fix. During the pandemic, I gained 10 more kilos and changed clothing sizes. In 2022, the 5 seconds on the weighing scale determined the background score of my mornings. I started trying to figure out what it meant to eat right. I tried a no carb diet for the first 3 months. I lost weight but I was miserable. It felt like punishment. For the crime of being fat.
I want to be thin. I am healthy, loved and feel accomplished…but when anything goes wrong, I do wonder if things would be better if I was thinner.
There are things relatives say to you growing up that give you a general view of how the world perceives you. As per them, my adjectives were fair, quiet, smart and big boned. Thankfully, my mother never spoke badly about her own body or how she looked. So for most of my childhood, what my relatives said didn’t bother me.
When I was 13, I once visited my grandmother without my mom, along with my uncle and his family. At dinner, I asked for my third chapati. My grandmother refused to give me any, and told me, in front of everyone, that I should start eating less. I felt embarrassed and lashed out that she didn’t love me. She got upset and started crying. My uncle asked me to apologise and I did. Though the adrenaline had made me fight, I felt alone and ashamed. For eating too much and then fighting over it. I felt fat.
The next morning, my mother called on the landline and my uncle asked me to come speak to her. There was nothing in the world I was scared of more than my mother. When I took the receiver, my mother said, ‘Well done. I am happy you fought. Your grandmother used to do this to me too. She never gave me the good piece of fish or chicken and I didn't fight with her. I am happy that you fought.’ It was okay to ask for food if you needed it, my mother had reaffirmed.
The first memory I have of standing on a weighing scale, I was 14. There was a health check-up at school. I stood on the scale, it read 58 kilos. The nurse noted it down and moved on. And so did I. As I grew up, I was aware my weight was not ideal but it never seemed like the most important thing to fix. During the pandemic, I gained 10 more kilos and changed clothing sizes. In 2022, the 5 seconds on the weighing scale determined the background score of my mornings. I started trying to figure out what it meant to eat right. I tried a no carb diet for the first 3 months. I lost weight but I was miserable. It felt like punishment. For the crime of being fat.
I want to be thin. I am healthy, loved and feel accomplished…but when anything goes wrong, I do wonder if things would be better if I was thinner.
There are things relatives say to you growing up that give you a general view of how the world perceives you. As per them, my adjectives were fair, quiet, smart and big boned. Thankfully, my mother never spoke badly about her own body or how she looked. So for most of my childhood, what my relatives said didn’t bother me.
When I was 13, I once visited my grandmother without my mom, along with my uncle and his family. At dinner, I asked for my third chapati. My grandmother refused to give me any, and told me, in front of everyone, that I should start eating less. I felt embarrassed and lashed out that she didn’t love me. She got upset and started crying. My uncle asked me to apologise and I did. Though the adrenaline had made me fight, I felt alone and ashamed. For eating too much and then fighting over it. I felt fat.
The next morning, my mother called on the landline and my uncle asked me to come speak to her. There was nothing in the world I was scared of more than my mother. When I took the receiver, my mother said, ‘Well done. I am happy you fought. Your grandmother used to do this to me too. She never gave me the good piece of fish or chicken and I didn't fight with her. I am happy that you fought.’ It was okay to ask for food if you needed it, my mother had reaffirmed.
The first memory I have of standing on a weighing scale, I was 14. There was a health check-up at school. I stood on the scale, it read 58 kilos. The nurse noted it down and moved on. And so did I. As I grew up, I was aware my weight was not ideal but it never seemed like the most important thing to fix. During the pandemic, I gained 10 more kilos and changed clothing sizes. In 2022, the 5 seconds on the weighing scale determined the background score of my mornings. I started trying to figure out what it meant to eat right. I tried a no carb diet for the first 3 months. I lost weight but I was miserable. It felt like punishment. For the crime of being fat.
I have had better success with working out though. I found a gym and a trainer I liked. My mood and energy were amazing when I worked out. Once working out became less about being thin and more about feeling good, I managed to stick to it. I brush, I wear my clothes, I walk to the gym. There is no thought, no complex feeling. This year, I went to the gym an average of 4 times a week. After vacations, festivals and illnesses, I always got back. I still have to traverse this journey with food. Learn to moderate without feeling like a child being punished.
For most of my life, I thought I would go on diet, workout for a few months and I would be at my ideal weight. Sadly I have learnt, fitness is a lifelong commitment. It is about getting back on track - from a bad meal, from a vacation, from cold winter mornings, from binge eating, from a lack of motivation. It is about re-learning what you thought was healthy and desirable. BMI is now disregarded as a measure of health. Your muscle mass, your fat percentage and many other markers matter more. I am learning to accept my own body but also learning to hold myself to a higher standard of consistency and self-control. I am learning to separate my feelings about food and weight with what I must do to have energy and good health.
But I hate to admit it, I still do want to be thin.
I have had better success with working out though. I found a gym and a trainer I liked. My mood and energy were amazing when I worked out. Once working out became less about being thin and more about feeling good, I managed to stick to it. I brush, I wear my clothes, I walk to the gym. There is no thought, no complex feeling. This year, I went to the gym an average of 4 times a week. After vacations, festivals and illnesses, I always got back. I still have to traverse this journey with food. Learn to moderate without feeling like a child being punished.
For most of my life, I thought I would go on diet, workout for a few months and I would be at my ideal weight. Sadly I have learnt, fitness is a lifelong commitment. It is about getting back on track - from a bad meal, from a vacation, from cold winter mornings, from binge eating, from a lack of motivation. It is about re-learning what you thought was healthy and desirable. BMI is now disregarded as a measure of health. Your muscle mass, your fat percentage and many other markers matter more. I am learning to accept my own body but also learning to hold myself to a higher standard of consistency and self-control. I am learning to separate my feelings about food and weight with what I must do to have energy and good health.
But I hate to admit it, I still do want to be thin.
I have had better success with working out though. I found a gym and a trainer I liked. My mood and energy were amazing when I worked out. Once working out became less about being thin and more about feeling good, I managed to stick to it. I brush, I wear my clothes, I walk to the gym. There is no thought, no complex feeling. This year, I went to the gym an average of 4 times a week. After vacations, festivals and illnesses, I always got back. I still have to traverse this journey with food. Learn to moderate without feeling like a child being punished.
For most of my life, I thought I would go on diet, workout for a few months and I would be at my ideal weight. Sadly I have learnt, fitness is a lifelong commitment. It is about getting back on track - from a bad meal, from a vacation, from cold winter mornings, from binge eating, from a lack of motivation. It is about re-learning what you thought was healthy and desirable. BMI is now disregarded as a measure of health. Your muscle mass, your fat percentage and many other markers matter more. I am learning to accept my own body but also learning to hold myself to a higher standard of consistency and self-control. I am learning to separate my feelings about food and weight with what I must do to have energy and good health.
But I hate to admit it, I still do want to be thin.
I have had better success with working out though. I found a gym and a trainer I liked. My mood and energy were amazing when I worked out. Once working out became less about being thin and more about feeling good, I managed to stick to it. I brush, I wear my clothes, I walk to the gym. There is no thought, no complex feeling. This year, I went to the gym an average of 4 times a week. After vacations, festivals and illnesses, I always got back. I still have to traverse this journey with food. Learn to moderate without feeling like a child being punished.
For most of my life, I thought I would go on diet, workout for a few months and I would be at my ideal weight. Sadly I have learnt, fitness is a lifelong commitment. It is about getting back on track - from a bad meal, from a vacation, from cold winter mornings, from binge eating, from a lack of motivation. It is about re-learning what you thought was healthy and desirable. BMI is now disregarded as a measure of health. Your muscle mass, your fat percentage and many other markers matter more. I am learning to accept my own body but also learning to hold myself to a higher standard of consistency and self-control. I am learning to separate my feelings about food and weight with what I must do to have energy and good health.
But I hate to admit it, I still do want to be thin.
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It will be a reminder to stop scrolling and read something fun.
FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI.
Design/dev by @itsiddharth
Get a mail everytime a post goes up.
It will be a reminder to stop scrolling and read something fun.
FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI.
Design/dev by @itsiddharth
Get a mail everytime a post goes up.
It will be a reminder to stop scrolling and read something fun.
FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI.
Design/dev by @itsiddharth