Like most Indian kids from the 90s, I grew up in a competitive household. I had two older brothers (R & P) so by the time I was one years old, competition had begun. Who walked first (R), who talked first (me), who never caused any trouble (P). When I was in 4th grade, teachers were pointing at me from a distance and calling me R’s or P’s sister. I wasn’t pleased. P was effortlessly smart and R was effortlessly charming, so I had to work hard at both.

Everything mattered deeply to me. Especially winning. Which made me a sore loser. I wanted to be good at even the things I had no talent in. Like athletics or singing. Every sports day, my brother had to remind me that I shouldn’t cry when I lose. But I would. Even before the race was over.

For my 10th board exams, a well-meaning neighbour whose son was also appearing for the exams offered to drop us to the exam hall. While she was helping my mother out, travelling with another kid was not an ideal arrangement for me. Especially a kid who kept asking if I had studied the one chapter that I hadn’t. When I reached the exam hall, I threw up. My mother was used to my process - crying, throwing up, praying. After all this drama, I would still do really well.

When I was younger, I was propelled by my negative emotions. Comparison with my brothers. Competitiveness towards my classmates. Envy towards friends in college who seemed like they had everything. I was driven by fear. Fear that I would never make it. I would never cross over to the other side where you can do things without constantly checking the price. I was driven by vengeance, to prove a point to the relatives who thought my mother was raising me wrong.

Overtime, I had to learn that there is no happily-ever-after unless you work hard at happiness too. While envy, fear, competition can move you, it gets exhausting to live with a voice that only knows how to criticise and compare. And worse yet, everyone around you feels terrible too. When you are winning at achieving, you can really fail at being a good person. So eventually, we all try to heal. Get over our insecurities. Go to therapy. Learn to love what we have been given. Leave the rat race to the rats. Rise above it. Find grace.